Marcescence

In the winter, the beech tree leaves are withering...... sometimes so much they appear thinned out, like mere ghosts of themselves...... but persistently cling to their stems. This is called "marcescence."

I think sometimes GRIEVING can be like this... when Love is intense & attachment is deep... 

...or when a major crisis has become a lengthy season of coping & settled us into a lifestyle conducive of recovery. 

When the season has finally passed, it isn't always easy to let go, especially if that season changed us so profoundly & elementally that all successive growth is bound to be shaped by its lessons.

These are the kinds of things the trees speak to my heart when I go wandering in the wood and why I don't forsake my walks during the winter. I look out at the white forest speckled with clusters of bright gold... the beeches... like dabs from a paintbrush. Instead of feeling frustrated with myself for my reluctance to release my leaves & let this season pass... the beeches show me even THIS is natural and that I can have patience with myself. They remind me those decayed leaves will naturally fall away when new growth pushes through... that they WILL go on to thrive... and SO WILL I. 

Pictured: 2013 winter memory. 

Beech leaves in marcescence.

Worship Instead of Sleeping

Oh, what is this, Love?

What are You? Love.

I look up, I see You.

I look down, I see You.

Around, within, without. You.

I breathe today as if perfection has filled my lungs.

I breathe. I sing.

An arrow or bullet to my chest could only bring me closer... 

spill me wider open...

to You. 

To live or to die... is perfection.

Oh, what IS this, Love?!

My heart lifts off as I abandon gravity for good. For You.

Flashes... fractals...

a silent language floods my mind & washes it clean.

There is only

Love.

To My Twin

We may no longer 

walk together.

We may never again 

talk together.

We can't be sure.

But, my friend, it's no mistake, 

like rain from the same 

pregnant sky, 

we fall together...

to soak deep into the same 

cracked earth.

My friend, it is true, 

like steam called by the same 

hot sun, 

we rise together...

off the petals of the same

blooming desert.

We are not two separate parts

moving on from each other...

We are One beating heart.

My friend, In LOVE... 

in SPIRIT, 

we are ALL

& EVER TOGETHER. 

🤍🙏🏻🤍

A Hermit's Love

This is a lengthy post, but I have something I've been wanting to express.

I'm working through my AGORAPHOBIA (which is mild but has been worse with all the energy of the current global events), so yesterday I went to Walmart after therapy, despite my natural inclination to scurry back home. In observing myself, I noticed something people might be surprised to know about me: When I'm in public, I am NOT timid, shut down, or masking. Actually, my heart CANNOT HELP but be in an OPEN state. I am bubbling over with appreciation for every single beautiful human I see. I watch them with sincere interest & pray every time I sense a need, however small. I want to give them so much Love, but most people are not open, so I am generous with my smiles and nods, and I look for opportunities to have short conversations, give compliments, or just be considerate & conscientious of the space I am sharing with them. When I am in public, I always try to bring my highest self because I FEEL the energetic weight and responsibility of each interaction. I value each moment I spend with another human because I am not doing so in a superficial way... ever.

This all may sound like virtue signaling, and if so, forgive me. But anyone who knows me at all understands it's taken me years of inner work to LOVE & ACCEPT who I am... I doubted and disapproved of myself so much, I sincerely believed I was, in whatever way, a detriment to society. I need to express the TRUTH about me now that I have been HIDING so long. Thank you for indulging me.

I am an intensely sensitive person, and when I say "sensitive" I don't mean fragile... I mean PERCEPTIVE. I SEE people. I FEEL people. I GET people at depths that might make some of them uncomfortable if they were aware. Those who need to be seen and cared for tend to be drawn to me (critters too). Those who don't want to be seen deeply, which is most people, tend to push me away energetically. It's also very common for people who haven't learned to Love and accept themselves to unconsciously see PROJECTIONS of themselves in me and then wrongly attribute what they fear to my personality. They miss me completely, and learning to navigate that has been LONELY. It's been so hard to learn how not to take that rejection personally, but I have come a long way and am experiencing much more Peace in my connections nowadays.

For so many years, all this has caused me to struggle with feelings of overwhelm when I gather with others. Since I am no longer willing to be anything but authentic, I find venturing out among civilization to be HIGHLY DRAINING. As much as I love connecting, much of the time, my dread of socializing wins out, and I stay at home where I am never bored or rejected in my own company.

This year, I want to make some serious progress in this area. I am praying that as I venture out more and more and keep my heart open, MY PEOPLE... the ones who will not look at me as if through a mirror but will SEE & UNDERSTAND ME... and want to stay... will find me and further help me emerge from my hermit cave. I am certain this is coming for me... I can feel them coming... and when I finally have COMMUNITY, I will feel like I have the support and resources I need to step fully into my highest purpose. ...and I cannot tell you how long I have wanted to make that transition.

I took this selfie on 2/8/25... It was a FANTASTIC day. I was feeling so hopeful about my healing and my future that I literally danced all day.

Waiting

This is a re-post from an old, deleted blog. It may apply more now, than it did then.

Photography by Dustin Bailey

WAITING...

I am waiting for winter.

For the still, clean white to blanket the drab of things fallen dead.

And I wait for a kind silence.

For giants to enter their caves and sleep… roars muted… appetites fed.

I am waiting for presence.

A discussion with elements… whispering… willing to be read.

And I wait for space.

Left empty for the mystery of things unsaid.

I am waiting for flood.

A swelling, tacit expression of beauty’s theory… fully bled.

And I wait with wider lenses, new brushes, fresh paint.

To fight. To dance. To run with red.

I have waited for proof.

Living healing incentive to scale each achromatic wall ahead.

And I waited with faith.

Then I realized LIFE’s waiting and stopped waiting instead.

~ Adrea Bailey

November 21, 2011

Contagious Feelings

This may be hard for some to believe, but sometimes the emotions I experience aren't my own.... Sometimes, I'll be moving through my day focused on my tasks, having muted my own feelings, (since they're often distracting in their natural volume) when suddenly, I will catch some floating in the air. They're drawn to me, like viruses seeking habitation in a weakened immune system, oblivious to physical boundaries or present company, bent on survival... and even more, becoming affective...as if their original source was unaccommodating. I, on the other hand, must be the ideal host... highly sensitive and intensely responsive. I am vulnerable to these floating feelings (occasionally even accompanied by visions of dramatic facial expression) because of my own romantic appreciation for the language they speak and an undeniable curiosity for the message they relay... of Someone... and their bliss or agony... I maintain that feelings demand to be FELT, and I am most often willing (because I believe they should be validated before they can be deemed true or false... entertained or dismissed.) BUT there is a problem: I am uncoordinated in discerning their source, and unskilled in interpreting their meaning... or even whether they have meaning. Right now, I am only good at FEELING them. Since those I experience seem to be, by majority, painful, and I am, predominantly compassionate, they do little more than create confusion and a sense of helplessness within me as they mingle with my own emotions. I believe I describe the GIFT of EMPATHY (given to me by God for a divine purpose) and as such, I could never, ever resent it. I only pray to become a much better steward of these precious insights... And to be protected from deception and weariness as they attempt to lay roots in the sacred spaces of my soul.

Change

I need to take some time to HEAL and make a focused CHANGE.

I feel very old on the outside, but desperate and immature on the inside. There is too much fearful chaos without and within me, so my growth is hindered. There must be a BALANCE, and I intend to find it so I may finally begin to MOVE and flow with Life. I want to learn to partner with my God in this dance... with humility, selflessness, quietness and submission... so that I will echo more of HIS voice and desires than my own. I pray my image will more and more reflect HIS in all the ways of WISDOM and of LOVE.